I was a missionary. I traveled
the world teaching and telling others about Christ. I didn't drink or smoke or
do drugs. I was determined to save my virginity for my wedding night in
accordance with His word. I led Bible studies, sang in the church choir, I was
the model servant of God. I was the type of guy I hope both of my daughters
marry someday. I used to walk hand in hand with Him. We were pals, God and me.
But, once I got out in the world and on my own, I let go.
I put my faith in the
philosophies, ideologies and opinions of men. I forgot the great things I witnessed
God do firsthand. He gave me everything I ever asked Him for. I slapped Him in
the face with doubt. He showed me the path He had mapped out for me. It seemed
too hard and too boring, so I ran the other way. He offered freedom from the
things that enslave and kill. I chose the bondage and death of worldly
pleasures. I reveled in a rock star fantasy world of alcohol and debauchery.
For many years I danced with my demons and denied His very existence. I heard
Him calling to me. I ignored Him.
Though I knew I was sinking too
hard and too fast to recover on my own, when I felt Him reach out to me, I
turned away. I partied like the devil and lived like nothing mattered.
Eventually I convinced myself that God did not exist. I was in college and I was
way too smart to believe in that old story. I happily took the devil's hand and
ran toward the darkness. I lived for money, for a high, for myself. I persuaded
myself that I was happy. Until, after about fifteen years, the path I'd chosen
ended in a deep valley of depression. I wallowed in self-pity. I was drowning
in self-loathing. Anger, spite, jealousy and utter chaos ruled my days. The
wild and spectacular roller coaster ride I'd been on for so long came to a
screeching halt. I was on the verge of losing everything I thought I had.
Nothing was in my control anymore.
But, mercy found me. On a cold
December night in 2012, I sat alone in the driveway of the home I was about to
lose, thinking about my children sleeping inside and the way I’d let down
everyone in my life. I wept. I don't mean I shed a tear or two. I wailed like a
hungry two year old with a dirty diaper. In between sobs I heard Him calling
again. Through the icy chill that hung in the midnight air, I felt Him reach
out to me once more. I can’t describe the way His reaching feels. I can only
say that there is hope when He touches your heart. In an incoherent sobbing
stupor, I looked up to the moon and stars, and cried out, "God I can't do
this alone!" For the first time in about ten to fifteen years I prayed. I
prayed and I wept. Then I prayed and wept some more. I couldn't tell you
everything I said that night. I simply remember asking God to forgive my sins
against Him and against the ones I love.
I do not recall how long I sat
on the frozen ground, a humbled mess where a man used to be. But, I remember
the promise I made to Him. From that day forward, I would be His. I didn’t try
to bargain with Him. There were no “if/then” statements. I simply surrendered.
I had nothing to give but empty hands. When I finally found the strength to
stand, I felt an overwhelming calm. Peace. Peace at long last. The anger
disappeared. Self-pity and self-loathing turned to hope and confidence in the
future. I knew the road ahead would be tough. But I also knew that He
would be paving the way for me to turn my life around. I didn't know it yet,
but He had big things in the works for me.
Today, I am a father of 5 with
an amazingly gorgeous wife that has a heart for God. I plan to go into youth
ministry. I feel called to equip high school students with the knowledge of the
Bible and apologetics they will need to keep from falling into the same trap I
did once they are out in the world. I can't wait to see how this journey plays
out.
Joshua
Foltz
September
7, 2014
